I tried to write this yesterday but somehow lost the post and unable to find it so will start over. So much has happened. I was writing about Uncle Bill having a heart attack and dying yesterday morning. My poor mother-in-law losing her last brother, just her and Aunt Eula remain, 97 and 99 years. Now today more horrible news, Doug lost his brother Verl. He's been in the hospital about three months, was going in for a biopsy on his bladder and suffered a stroke. Doug has been there over two weeks and was going to come home on Wednesday  when Verl suffered a relapse and passed this afternoon. My heart just aches for Peggy and for Arletta who yesterday had to tell her, her brother died and today has to tell her, her son has passed also. I don't know how you live through such sorrow and heart ache. The tears will continue for a long time.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I lost my brother John on June 9, 2019 and some nights the tears just won't stop. And the memories, how they hurt. I remember seeing you in the funeral home and kissing you good bye and you were so cold, you hated being cold and I can't forget. We'd go over to your home this past winter and you'd be sitting on your couch wrapped up in an afghan that mom had knitted for you many years ago. I now have that afghan in my home put away for safe keeping, I don't remember who but I told someone the other day that I just want one day where I don't cry at least once. I've lost Dad, Mom and Judy but this is harder, maybe because I'm more involved than I was with theirs. I found a card that you had kept that Doug and I sent you thanking you for handling everything concerning Dad's passing. I wrote how you had made it stress less for us. I'm now understanding some of what you went through. I've heard people say that their hearts hurt and I never understood but I do now. The day I picked your ashes up at the funeral home I felt such pressure in my chest that all I could do was scream and try to ease it as I drove along the freeway. If anyone driving along would have looked in the car they would have seem a mad woman clutching the steering wheel, screaming. You died alone, I wasn't there with you holding your hand, I should have been there, you were suppose to wait for me. A week from today we'll place your and Judy's ashes with mom and dad in the flower bed, I wish I believed in God and that the four of you are together looking down on us, but I don't, all I know is that you are gone and I miss you so much. And someday I want to stop crying.